My boyfriend is a dating coach and he’s given me a lot of advice on how to handle approach anxiety. Everyone feels it. Say it with me and say it again. Everyone. Feels. Approach. Anxiety. This shit doesn’t go away, it only gets easier to deal with the more you do it. Like a muscle, when you don’t go out and approach more than you did before or approach regularly, it will get weak. In the beginning it’s going to feel like a lot of work, you’re going to feel scared, and you’ll get rejected. A lot.

Don’t be afraid of rejection. Guys are scared of being rejected because they believe the girl is rejecting their person, but a girl you just met knows little to nothing about you, so how can they reject “you”? My boyfriend frames it this way because a lot of his students have taken girls’ rejections personally. And to me it makes sense why it shouldn’t affect anyone that way because the girls don’t know who you are. There are a lot of different situations that play out when you approach and they reject you; it could be that they’re busy, they’re not interested, they have a boyfriend, or they’re caught off guard and feel their fight or flight responses kicking in. Maybe you’re not used to approaching and you have no idea how to lead the interaction. He’s reframed this situation as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and rejections and I definitely agree that everyone needs to understand that not every approach is going to work out. You need to push yourself to improve and approach more frequently. He’s told me about how some students will stop approaching after one success because they think that that’s all there is to it. But as mentioned before, you have to keep working on this. That one success shouldn’t be the end of your successes. You’ll notice that your nervousness diminishes the more you approach girls, and when your approaches go well, you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. The rush you get from a successful approach is way worth the amount of effort you’ve put in to change yourself.

Be aware of the energy you’re giving out to the girl. Overthinking and being in a negative headspace will transfer into that energy. Or worse, guys will overthink how they should approach and get so caught up in their heads that they end up not doing it. Don’t psych yourself out. It’s uncommon for strangers to go up to random girls and start a conversation with them, but it’s not weird or bad. If you think it’s weird then she’ll most likely think the interaction is weird, too. The last thing you would want is to convey that energy to the girl, have her sense that insecurity, and then have that impact the whole interaction negatively. Reframe it. Not a lot of people approach, so take that as an opportunity to leave a good first impression on them, giving them someone and something to remember. You’d be doing something tons and tons of people are terrified of doing.

Many guys will talk or post about themselves reading tons of forums and watching videos on pick up, but they don’t approach. Then they complain about being alone, not having friends, and not being as sociable as they want because they don’t approach. They’re looking for some magical quick-fix to their issues, but they don’t realize that if they want to get better, they’ll actually have to put in the effort. Fear is the most powerful inhibitor and in order to get what you want and succeed, you need to face what your scared of, say “Fuck it,” and run your shit. You’ve equipped yourself with knowledge, so use it. When your approaches don’t go well, you have something to go off of and you should ask for advice after you’ve shown some progress. Asking about what to do during hypothetical situations will not help unless you practice it. Take that first step to change what’s been holding you back. No one is going to put in the effort to change yourself; that is all on you and how bad you want it.

Going out to approach random strangers at first helps to warm you up and get ready for more approaches later. It could be at your bus stop, at the grocery store, on campus, at a coffee shop, and so on. Strike up a conversation with someone and keep doing so until you don’t feel as nervous anymore. Going up to a random stranger to talk to them out of the blue is scary, but from the stranger’s point of view, they most likely don’t believe the same things you’re thinking. In my experience, I was more surprised because I don’t usually experience strangers having conversations with me in public. I enjoyed them talking to me, but I wasn’t looking for a date afterwards. They were polite and let me be, which I really appreciated and moreover expected. The interaction itself is not common, pretty straightforward, and I can distinctly remember those moments. When you go up to approach someone, more likely than not they’ll remember your face and the time some random guy approached them and had a nice conversation with them.

There is no quick fix to approach anxiety, aside from going out and approaching girls yourself. Get yourself into a positive headspace and reframe, rather than overthink, the situation. Everyone has faced rejection at least once and it’s important to take them as learning opportunities. Ask for help and use that new knowledge during your next approach. Understand that there will be times where in the same day, you’ll meet girls who are completely uninterested, maybe even bitchy, and you’ll meet girls who are super sweet, receptive, and interested in you. Don’t get discouraged; this takes a lot of time and effort, but the successes are rewarding.

If you’re looking to commit to this and and are willing to put in effort to improve yourself, I’d recommend paying for a dating coach. Not only do you have someone who could be your wing, watch your progress, and get you tangible results faster, but you will also receive advice and coaching from someone with many years of experience in the game. The internet can only offer you so much free advice, and investing into getting a dating coach will get you more in-depth knowledge and a direct resource to help you. The most important thing to keep in mind is that they can only help you as much as you help yourself.