From what I’ve seen so far, a lot of men who try to pick up women have a hard time securing a first date with her. They’ve an even harder time getting a second date. I have approached and met with women, have gotten their numbers, messaged and called them, and set up first dates with them. I’ve learned that you can’t make the girl wait and you need to build up excitement and interest with her before the date. A lot of the girls flake last minute or forget about the date and never propose a reschedule. I’ve gone out on several dates with women who were excited and had fun on our first date. We’d keep messaging each other afterwards, but the second date would never happen. I’d try to set up a date within the next few days and she would either flake or be busy during the week. Some told me that their schedules were sporadic so they “promised to let me know when they become free.” And let me tell you, nine out of ten times, they’re lying when they say that. 

From hindsight, I could’ve made my dates more exciting and spontaneous to keep the women’s interest high. I’d say on average, eight out of ten times I get the girl’s number after interacting with her for five to ten minutes. So from that point on I try to screen her; learn about her interests, find out if she’s in a relationship, find what some of her red flags are, etc. I message her for a few days and ideally about two days or less before the date, I video call her to go over logistics for our date, talk more intimately, and screen more now that I can see her. When I talk to the girl, sometimes the call becomes ten minutes long, other times when we vibe really well together, we talk for more than two hours. 

Let me talk about the girls who I set up first dates with that never happened and why they didn’t happen. When I get a girl’s number, I try to message her within the day or next few days and I usually don’t double-text her. I ask her questions about her life, her interests, school and work, and possible past relationships, and if she passes the pre-date screening, I set up a video call date with her. In the beginning, I wouldn’t think to call her after getting her number. Which is probably what made it harder for me to get an answer. With phone calls, you’re more likely to get a direct answer than waiting on someone to reply back through text. I’ll give an example. I called up this girl named Jasmine (we’ll use this as a pseudonym). I got her number and started messaging her a few days after. I noticed throughout our video interaction she was occupied on something else. Her responses were dry, slow, or wishy-washy. She was responsive through texts but preoccupied when we talked. And that’s when I realized that I shouldn’t trust how she comes off through text to be the same as when we talk to each other over the phone or in person. We talked for ten minutes about family, past relationships, school, and women. I had set up a date with her that weekend and it never happened. She responded to my texts but then stopped the day before our date. A few days after, she messaged me saying she ended up going home that weekend. I asked when she would be free to reschedule and she never answered. There were a lot of things I could have done better or differently to have secured a date with her. I could have verbally escalated and flirted with her during our video call. I could have thought through my explanations and transitions in conversation better. I could have let go of some of my nervousness. I could have been more on top of replying back. Once they ghost me though, I don’t take it harshly. There are a lot of girls out there to meet, date, and have sex with. One random girl ghosting me this time didn’t phase me. If she wants to reach out to me, she knows she can. 

Similarities leading up to a non-existent first date may also contribute to failing to get a second date. I have gone on dates with women where we chill and smoke, where we go back to my place to drink, where I’ve shown her around my local area, etc. We have fun, she has a good time, we’re laughing a lot, but there ends up not being a second date. One pattern that I’ve noticed is that I tend to not really escalate on the dates, therefore I’m not building sexual tension with her. My boyfriend who is a dating coach has pointed out to me how important it is to escalate when you are interacting with a girl on a date and on the phone. It’s about pushing and pulling and building momentum during the interaction. When physically escalate, I shouldn’t verbally escalate. When I verbally escalate, I shouldn’t physically escalate. I would get nervous on my first dates and I would allow that to keep me from escalating with the girl. When girls go on first dates, most of the time they if not all the time, they want an exciting experience. They want to be taken out, they want to be known, and overall they want to have a good time. Teasing them, playfully touching them, possibly kissing them and pulling them for sex later are all on the table when it comes to a date. It’s just a matter of executing properly and being in the right mindset. 

I’ll give an example for a first date that I thought went well but didn’t lead up to a second date. We’ll name her Emily. Emily was a little younger than me and she was new to my county. We vibed really well through text and video calls. We both loved to smoke weed and I suggested that I show her around my area, go to a restaurant, and chill somewhere to talk and smoke. Unfortunately I didn’t have a car, but she was able to uber with me. We’d met in a local plaza and we walked around and talked about our interests, family, experiences with smoking, friends, etc. We got boba and she had never tried it before. We ate at an italian restaurant and walked around until we got to a park we could smoke at. I paid attention to her reactions to gauge how interested she was. She laughed a lot and it wasn’t awkward with her. We vibed more after smoking and listening to music. Despite creating windows for myself to escalate, I didn’t escalate. I didn’t because I got nervous and I let that nervousness take me over instead of being in control. 

I  talked to my boyfriend about it. I told him how I felt nervous and I talked about the date with him. I told him how she ubered to me, how I took her out for boba and italian food, and how we walked to a spot in the park to smoke together. I told him how we talked the entire time, got pretty high, and kept listening to similar music. I talked to him about how we laughed a lot and it seemed like she was having fun. But what was I not saying? I wasn’t saying that I escalated with her. I wasn’t saying that I tried to hold her hand or kiss her while on the date. I wasn’t saying that I flirted with her. I wasn’t saying that she was chasing me back as much. And as a dating coach, he notices what isn’t being said when describing a date too. He talked to me about it and it made a lot of sense why my first dates weren’t leading to second dates. He told me that it was important to escalate on the date because it keeps her interest high and there is no reason not to. On a date it’s important to assume attraction, because when you assume attraction, it makes it easier to escalate and progress with the girl. This is because when you assume attraction, you’re not fidgety or unsure of whether this girl has any interest in you. When you escalate, you’re increasing her attraction and interest in you. 

I’ve summed up some of my sticking points that my boyfriend helped point to me and that I’ve also noticed after going on my dates. When it comes to first dates, I can’t control whether the girl flakes on me or decides to cancel on me even if I do my best to build up her interest and attraction through texting, calling, and meeting up. With first dates, you can’t spend too much time setting up a date that’s going to happen weeks from when you both first spoke to each other. Know that sometimes you have to pull back then push when you’re talking to her to keep her interested. With second dates, you should pay attention to what you did and how you made her feel or how she was feeling on the first date. Now it’s a matter of continuing to keep her interested. Always escalate on the date and assume attraction. If I had escalated on the first date, I would most likely have secured a second date and be able to escalate further. Some guys don’t know or understand what they did wrong on the first date to not get a second date with the girl. This is important because if you don’t realize what’s wrong and you continue to do it on your dates, it’ll be a lot harder for you to get dates and you’ll still be confused.  I’m grateful that my boyfriend pointed those things out to me. He was easily able to see what I was doing on wrong on my dates and how I should fix them. Because I want to have a good time with my date and I want to progress things as far as I can successfully when I’m with them. I will be making an updated post about how my dates now generally go, but for now I’ll be putting what I learned and what I’m learning into practice.

Let’s say you’re on a date with a woman and it’s going well. You both are engaging in conversation, you had a nice dinner together, and then you both make it back to your car. You plan to take her home but you want to escalate and close with sex that night. But you don’t know how to physically escalate. Although things went well during the date, there wasn’t much kino. So how do you escalate in the first place? You don’t wanna be that guy that keeps asking if it’s okay to touch here, there, etc. You’ll come off beta as fuck, annoying, and she will lose interest. But how do you read whether or not she’s down?

Coming from a place where you don’t know if she’s even up for sex, let alone you touching her, you need to try lightly touching her. This way you’ll know if she’s interested in getting more physical with you. Vibe with her in the car. You could compare hand sizes, giving you a not awkward way to hold her hand. . When you escalate with her, you’re trying to make her more comfortable with you, have fun, and build off of that energy to create sexual energy. While you’re vibing, you could play with her hair, make eye contact with her, and build up to putting your arm around her, rubbing her thigh, or pulling her into you by her waist if she’s responding really well. Make out with her, smell her, and tease her once you know it’s clear that she’s down to be physically sexual with you. However, you shouldn’t be doing a lot of big kino in the car unless you plan on having sex with her in your car. If you plan on taking her home with you, turn her on by making out with her, teasing her, and whispering to her. You can turn her on even more and have sex when you get back to your place. Obviously don’t keep persisting if she says no or doesn’t want to continue.You want to leave her better than before you went on the date with her. Assuming that the date went well and she’s pretty interested in you, it should not be that difficult. You can tell from her body language: she’ll lean into you, keep making eyes at you, reciprocate each kino, and progressively get more physical with you. Even subtle tells like her expressions and her eyes are important to be aware of because she’s sub communicating whether or not she’s interested.

A lot of guys’ common sticking point is that they get nervous trying to escalate. This is because they fear getting rejected and they’re not good at reading whether girls are interested in becoming physical with them. The thing is, you won’t know unless you try something. Too many guys overthink the situation and end up not escalating because they’re scared. So when you escalate, you build up the tension and you don’t go straight for kissing her. Building up that sexual tension makes it clear to her that you are interested in having sex. This is all physical interaction, though. Help build up to sex through engaging conversation, witty remarks, and sexual verbal escalation, too. When you physically escalate with her, you could de-escalate by talking to her, or in other words, pulling and pushing with her. And if you escalate verbally, you could de-escalate physically and not touch her, creating that tension. Whisper to her to go back to your place at the peak of sexual tension. The last thing that you’d want to happen is for you to do a big kino like going for a kiss when you get into the car and then have her push you away and lose interest in you because you didn’t know how to read the situation. It’s called escalating for a reason. You’re not supposed to go straight for big kino. You’re supposed to build up that sexual tension, have fun and engage with her, then further escalate depending on the energy you both created.